Yes, even you. First, a disclaimer. This article is hopelessly heteronormative, for which I apologize. Male/female has been my only experience when it comes to romantic relationships. Having said that, I do believe some, if not all, of what I am about to tell you could be safely applied to gay/lesbian/queer relationships, too. Humans are fairly consistent in their behavior, regardless of where they land in the big beautiful spectrum of sexuality. We all want the same things: respect, companionship, intimacy, and love.
Here is the one thing I would add: in Maya Angelou's immortal words, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time."
This approach saves time and saves tears.
I am on my third marriage. The unsuspecting, rather weak, and very nice man I married first was unsuitable because he was out of my (etheric) weight class. I feel slightly sorry for him and am delighted in extreme retrospect that we did not try to lump along together. He's had a quiet, small, and respectable life, which would have suited me very poorly indeed, esp. the respectable part.
My second husband would not work to make money. He stole money from our daughter's trust fund because the cool $2 million he inherited himself from his parents did not suffice for even a decade after I left him. I left him when he was wealthy and healthy, because I knew he was creating a life of ill health and poverty, and I did not want to be involved with his race to impoverishment and chronic illness. He is a narcissist par excellence.
Meanwhile, my third husband already knew what I was, and was at peace with my weird role in this life. He's been my lucky star, and has also been an exceptionally fine step parent to my daughter from marriage #2. He is brilliant, hard-working, and we can retire comfortably because of his work. We just finished selling our two software companies last week.
Maya Angelou was right about EVERYTHING. And what your story tells me, dear Caroline, is how much intestinal fortitude you have always had. You know your heart.
Communication issues have always been the problem in the few ugly breakups I've had. I never assume the other person has a hidden agenda (conscious or otherwise), so that when there is one I never really saw it until it was too late.
X had a toxic relationship with her therapist (also a woman) in which neither one of them wanted to move the therapy forward (or just end it as not working.) X would just say things, and assume they must be true because she said them, and listening never entered her equations.
Z had spent 20+ yrs as an enabler for her profoundly narcissistic husband, and she would never admit how angry she was at *him*. For example: her family was quite well off, having managed and grown a high-end business in a niche market. Yet even though he'd signed the divorce settlement papers, he came back and demanded a significant amount of money. IL is a community property state and Z, her family, and their lawyers could have applied the screws to this d!ckless wonder's squishy bits. (The lawyers *REALLY* wanted to; this guy had absolutely no case.) But Z wouldn't fight, and so the family settled. Z, of course, just became angrier. And guess where that anger got vented?
But in both cases, I was too deep in to really analyze what was happening or why. So I left in anger, making it clear in both cases that neither of them would ever make any attempt to communicate with me again. (There was no violence behind that demand, just a very sincere and non-negotiable intention.)
SIDEBAR: the "three-legged table" analogy brought to mind a similarly structured picture. The author Robert Heinlein once argued that education was a three-legged stool, the legs being language, history, and mathematics; once a person has those, they can teach themselves anything. Heinlein's analogy fails, of course, because like the good ex-navy pilot cum engineer that he was, he didn't recognize that Art was a fourth and independent leg.
Gares, you have always struck me as a straightforward kind of person, even in relationships (which are usually anything but). That can be difficult when dealing with very damaged and/or unaware people, or people with fraught, complicated pasts. I will admit that I came into my relationship with baggage, but being emotionally supported for this many years has done wonders for my heart. But it did make me realize that the success of a relationship boil do to one thing: does this person have the capacity to love?
Heteronormative, yes. Applicable across the board. I suspect so.
Like Caroline, I'm on my third (and, as Erin will emphasize, last) marriage. Relationships are hard. I don't care who you are; they're hard...and the sooner you reconcile yourself to that the better off you'll be.
I think this is one of your most (uncomfortably) honest posts and, because of that, probably most spot-on. Thanks for this, it was a good reminder for me. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the uncomfortable stuff.
I guess it comes under trust in general, but for me it’s so important I would make it a separate point. Never make a major financial decision without your partner’s knowledge and hopefully agreement. It threatens the security and very foundation of the relationship. Thanks for an excellent article, Stacey.
I wholeheartedly agree with your words.
Here is the one thing I would add: in Maya Angelou's immortal words, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time."
This approach saves time and saves tears.
I am on my third marriage. The unsuspecting, rather weak, and very nice man I married first was unsuitable because he was out of my (etheric) weight class. I feel slightly sorry for him and am delighted in extreme retrospect that we did not try to lump along together. He's had a quiet, small, and respectable life, which would have suited me very poorly indeed, esp. the respectable part.
My second husband would not work to make money. He stole money from our daughter's trust fund because the cool $2 million he inherited himself from his parents did not suffice for even a decade after I left him. I left him when he was wealthy and healthy, because I knew he was creating a life of ill health and poverty, and I did not want to be involved with his race to impoverishment and chronic illness. He is a narcissist par excellence.
Meanwhile, my third husband already knew what I was, and was at peace with my weird role in this life. He's been my lucky star, and has also been an exceptionally fine step parent to my daughter from marriage #2. He is brilliant, hard-working, and we can retire comfortably because of his work. We just finished selling our two software companies last week.
I feel so lucky!!!
Maya Angelou was right about EVERYTHING. And what your story tells me, dear Caroline, is how much intestinal fortitude you have always had. You know your heart.
Communication issues have always been the problem in the few ugly breakups I've had. I never assume the other person has a hidden agenda (conscious or otherwise), so that when there is one I never really saw it until it was too late.
X had a toxic relationship with her therapist (also a woman) in which neither one of them wanted to move the therapy forward (or just end it as not working.) X would just say things, and assume they must be true because she said them, and listening never entered her equations.
Z had spent 20+ yrs as an enabler for her profoundly narcissistic husband, and she would never admit how angry she was at *him*. For example: her family was quite well off, having managed and grown a high-end business in a niche market. Yet even though he'd signed the divorce settlement papers, he came back and demanded a significant amount of money. IL is a community property state and Z, her family, and their lawyers could have applied the screws to this d!ckless wonder's squishy bits. (The lawyers *REALLY* wanted to; this guy had absolutely no case.) But Z wouldn't fight, and so the family settled. Z, of course, just became angrier. And guess where that anger got vented?
But in both cases, I was too deep in to really analyze what was happening or why. So I left in anger, making it clear in both cases that neither of them would ever make any attempt to communicate with me again. (There was no violence behind that demand, just a very sincere and non-negotiable intention.)
SIDEBAR: the "three-legged table" analogy brought to mind a similarly structured picture. The author Robert Heinlein once argued that education was a three-legged stool, the legs being language, history, and mathematics; once a person has those, they can teach themselves anything. Heinlein's analogy fails, of course, because like the good ex-navy pilot cum engineer that he was, he didn't recognize that Art was a fourth and independent leg.
Gares, you have always struck me as a straightforward kind of person, even in relationships (which are usually anything but). That can be difficult when dealing with very damaged and/or unaware people, or people with fraught, complicated pasts. I will admit that I came into my relationship with baggage, but being emotionally supported for this many years has done wonders for my heart. But it did make me realize that the success of a relationship boil do to one thing: does this person have the capacity to love?
your words & Heinlein's quote about Art are SOOOOO True in my experience, too.
Heteronormative, yes. Applicable across the board. I suspect so.
Like Caroline, I'm on my third (and, as Erin will emphasize, last) marriage. Relationships are hard. I don't care who you are; they're hard...and the sooner you reconcile yourself to that the better off you'll be.
I think this is one of your most (uncomfortably) honest posts and, because of that, probably most spot-on. Thanks for this, it was a good reminder for me. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the uncomfortable stuff.
I truly believe the obstacles are the path. We keep looking for a shorter, easier path. Those efforts are futile. We aren't meant to ever find one.
Exactly, O Wise Person Sitting At The Top Of The Mountain. 😊🙏
If only!
I guess it comes under trust in general, but for me it’s so important I would make it a separate point. Never make a major financial decision without your partner’s knowledge and hopefully agreement. It threatens the security and very foundation of the relationship. Thanks for an excellent article, Stacey.
BIG one! Definitely falls under the "sex or money" category, doesn't it?
Wise words indeed.