10 Things Everyone Needs to Know About Relationships

Yes, even you.

Photo by Vince Fleming

First, a disclaimer. This article is hopelessly heteronormative, for which I apologize. Male/female has been my only experience when it comes to romantic relationships. Having said that, I do believe some, if not all, of what I am about to tell you could be safely applied to gay/lesbian/queer relationships, too. Humans are fairly consistent in their behavior, regardless of where they land in the big beautiful spectrum of sexuality. We all want the same things: respect, companionship, intimacy, and love.

Okay, a disclaimer and a caveat. I’m no psychotherapist, merely a sensitive and observant human who has had her share of relationships and made just about every mistake you can make. In other words, this wisdom is hard-won and cost pints and pints of blood. I share it in the hope of helping you understand yourself and others, not for me to appear as some kind of Yoda. I’m a doof, not a sage. But even a fool can occasionally show you to yourself.

After a lot of thought—a lifetime’s worth—I give you my hot takes on what kills a relationship and what makes it work. Here we go.

Photo by Jessica Felicio

1. Happiness is a three-legged table, and each of those three legs must be stable for the table (including your relationship) not to collapse. Those legs are as follows: purpose, structure, and community. Purpose can be work, a hobby, a cause. Structure is how you organize your day. Community is your family, friends, Significant Other. All three legs are scythed down when people retire. The community they formerly enjoyed with workmates is gone. Having any sense of purpose is gone. And the structure of each day (getting up, having breakfast, driving to work, working, going grocery shopping, going home, cooking, watching TV, sleeping) is disrupted. No wonder so many retirees end up having heart attacks. You need all three legs in order to be a reasonably fulfilled human being who is capable of having a healthy relationship.

2. Relationships usually end over sex or money. Or some variation thereon. While it’s true that the only two people who know the truth about a relationship are the two people in it, it doesn’t require Scotland-Yard-level detective skills to see why some couples implode. Scratch the surface, and you will see it’s almost always sex or lack thereof, money or lack thereof, or both.

3. Men say they want sex, and they usually do, but what they also want is lots of attention. This should ruffle a few feathers among my XY chromosomal friends, but it doesn’t make it any less true. That’s why the addition of a baby to any household is like dropping a hand grenade down the chimney. Out of necessity, it exsanguinates attention away from the man and onto itself. I experienced this firsthand when my son was born twenty-five years ago. The minute I held him in my arms, I needed no one else. To this day, his dad has never truly forgiven me.

4. Bad sex or no sex is 90% of a relationship; good or “good enough” sex is 10%. For further explanation, see #2. By “sex”, I’m not talking just about coitus. Two people can be physically intimate without engaging in sexual intercourse. Even a hug or a kiss counts as intimacy, and yet there are a shocking number of couples who don’t even do that. If no effort is made to touch, even in a non-sexual way, how healthy can a relationship be? Inevitably, one or both will look elsewhere for the love they require.

5. Trust is like a pencil eraser; it gets smaller with every mistake. I once tried patching together a relationship after a boyfriend walked out on me. He was so truly penitent, I didn’t have the heart not to give him a second chance. But the truth was (and it took me a few weeks to figure this out), the relationship was already over. I could no longer trust him. And for me, at least, recovering trust once broken is like lobbing a piece of crystal over the balcony, watching it shatter, and then trying to put the pieces back together again. Some people can do it. I can’t.

   

   Photo by Renate Vanaga

6. In the beginning of a relationship especially, watch what they do, not what they say. Without a dad or an older brother to guide me around life’s more slippery curves, I went into the dating world utterly clueless. If a guy told me something about himself, I was stupid enough to believe him. Now, the minute a man tries to explain himself to me, I tend to believe the opposite.
   
   “I’m not the kind of guy who likes drama” usually means, “All I want is drama.” Here’s what you should really be paying attention to: a) how does he treat his mother? b) is he on speaking terms with any of his past girlfriends? c) does he have a porn problem?
   
   A guy might ask himself: a) is this woman capable of being honest and direct about her feelings? b) does she criticize me in a disrespectful manner (i.e., “You’re selfish and inconsiderable,” as opposed to, “When you’re late and I don’t hear from you, I worry that something awful has happened.”) c) does she needs constant reassurance?

7. Don’t assume you know why your partner did or didn’t do something. The longer we’re in a relationship, the better we know each other. But sometimes we make dangerous assumptions about our partner’s motives. If you want a relationship to work, you have to give the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume. Ask questions.

8. Both trust and love can feel more like intellectual choices some days rather than grand, sweeping passions. You’ve heard the term, “Fake it till you make it,” right? This stratagem can apply to even the healthiest relationships. Particularly during times like these when our social circles are more restricted, we can all drive each other a little nuts. Remember that the next time you sit across the breakfast table feeling nothing but scorn and irritation for your partner. Relationships have seasons. Wait long enough, and spring usually returns. Meanwhile, you might have to just decide that yes, you love this person, even if you don’t necessarily feel all that loving right now, and this is where that “commitment” thing comes in handy.

9. When respect goes, so does the health of the relationship. Sure, some relationships manage to limp along for a while after a couple starts slinging barbs at one another, but it’s no longer a healthy relationship. Instead, it’s a slow bleed. I would even go so far as to say that real love isn’t possible without respect. You don’t have to agree with all your partner’s opinions or decisions, but you’d better respect who they are as a person, otherwise, you’ve lost before you’ve begun.

10. If you have kids with someone, you are married to that person for the rest of your life, whether you live together or apart, remarry or stay single. Tough one! I can actually see some of you cringing as you read that. Me, too. This epiphany, which came to me about ten years ago, was like a body blow. When there are kids, even after a divorce, you’re co-parenting with someone you didn’t get along with before the blowup, so how are you going to get along with them now? Wish somebody had warned me. It probably wouldn’t have changed anything, but I might have been better prepared to lose what was left of my mind.

Now, to me, this should be the best part of this article, which is the YOU part. What life lessons/worldly wisdom/relationship advice would you like to share? I’m all ears, so be sure to leave a detailed reply below.