This utter sexist crap about appearance is one of the reasons I loved going to a women's college. At Bryn Mawr when I was there, we were much more likely to be intimidated by a classmate's intelligence than their looks, and much more likely to admire a classmate getting into one of the Ivies for grad school than someone who married a rich guy.
For example, we found out that Dr. Oz's wife is a Bryn Mawr grad, and the consensus was "Ugh, Eeeeuuuw, how could she?" It's one thing when he was a research physician at Columbia, but a quack doctor on television???? It doesn't matter how many houses--- in New Jersey, or elsewhere-- the guy might have, not to women from Bryn Mawr. There was a collective cringe.
I've gone feral during the pandemic, no make up, and mostly sweatpants. But honestly, being self-employed for the past couple of decades is the greatest luxury imaginable. Jason's software sold because it was excellent, and because I was good at writing marketing language, not because I wore the right mascara.
Thank you for writing this essay, especially since you did make money from your looks when you were younger. I bet many other women were bright green from jealousy looking at you back then.
The ancient Greeks showed they truly understood the double-edged sword which is great beauty, in the myth of Psyche.
"Gone feral." I love that! I've gone feral, too. Samesies!
You know, I've often wondered what it would have been like to go to a really good girls' school like Bryn Mawr. I can't help but think it was a million times less stressful. Or maybe I'm wrong.
I feel sorry for Mehmet Oz's wife. She's married to HIM.
Nov 17, 2022·edited Nov 17, 2022Liked by Stacey Eskelin
Ah yes, the male gaze. I've fallen under it a few times in my life. Had to let the lads know that I am, alas, hetero. And in that capacity my gaze has fallen on women. A lot. I hope that I have not disturbed the women who've caught my eye. Try not to. I don't feel ashamed about it because I think it is DNA driven and I never argue with DNA and also, because my mother raised me right and I got good counseling from male mentors, I'm under pretty good self-regulation. We men are out there casting our seed where we can and to that end we respond to what attracts us. We do not, in our first encounters with the girls and women who attract us, encounter their intelligence, or lack thereof, that will come later. Inevitably the more important elements of a female's nature will engage with our own and things will either work out or not. It does not surprise me that women, driven by their own DNA, will do what they think will make them more (or less) attractive. Nor does it surprise me that these basic elements are exploited by those who would be made rich by their exploitation. As to you not caring how you look - except in relationship to John - I just think that what's good enough for John is OK with me. If you have a desire to be healthy and do what is necessary to maintain your health, it's more likely than not you're lookin' good.
Looking is perfectly okay! To look is to be human. It's not men looking that's as big a problem as the way women are conditioned to feel as though they only have value when that male gaze is directed to them.
In a perfect world, which we have never had and are not likely to have in the future, women would feel the same level of self-acceptance that most men just take for granted. Women would be valued as people, not just potential sexual partners. There are men who are capable of doing that, but not enough. And women have to clean up their side of the bell jar, too, starting with questioning their entire belief system and rightly seeing it as problematic.
“If I’m doing it, it’s attainable.” I read that and think, "Yeah, but why bother?" It saddens me to think how many girls do struggle to attain whatever it is Kim K. is doing. She's a manufactured thing, not even real. Ah, but what do I know. I have a penis, which means I'm prone to thinking with the wrong head....
You could have a hundred penises and you wouldn't think with the wrong head. And that's because you don't think with your head, but your heart. That's such a good thing.
I would say that the exact same thing is now being applied to men. Maybe predominantly gay men but certainly straight men as well. The utter narcisism in posing for shirtless post-pump selfies at the gym is taking up 3/4 of the internet. The constant striving for the perfect physique when, no matter how hard you work out, it's going to start to age and then what. I have plenty of friends who have the fitness thing in a good balanced place, as far as I can tell, but I also have some that are just addicted to it. They don't think that they are ever going to be 60 but they will (if they're lucky). And of course, everybody is layered with filters anyway so what's being put on display is truly rarely achievable in real life.
All of that said, I really do need to get back to the gym!
My only legitimate complaint about living here is no access to a gym. I just can't maintain any level of fitness without one. I don't know how, and the things I need (weights, weights, weights) aren't available for home consumption in the same way they are at a gym.
That said, I wince when I read about the eating disorders that are ramping up among young men. All of this is driven by social media. Anyone who says otherwise is pretty naïve.
According to an ancient Roman gourmand Apicius, “we eat with our eyes”, seems apropos to your observations. Beef cake and eye candy is a facade, presented as appetizing, without knowing the ingredients. Is it made with love? Salty or sweet? It should be inside out, and not the other way. Self esteem is hard to acquire with the social media cannibalistic pressures. You’d hope that young adults (men and women) would digest a five course meal instead of fast food. In the long run, it’s much more fulfilling.
The cover photo of Jennifer Aniston on Allure is a prime example of what you wrote about. I wish they had used a photo of Jen, wearing jeans and a tee, surrounded by her dogs. I feel sorry for young women trying to navigate the false narrative that that is being fed to them.
Hard to watch, isn't it? My daughter, who is 22, is just as caught up in it as I was at her age. I want better for her, but anything I say will sound like criticism, so I observe my own rule about parenting adult children: zip it. Just zip it.
This utter sexist crap about appearance is one of the reasons I loved going to a women's college. At Bryn Mawr when I was there, we were much more likely to be intimidated by a classmate's intelligence than their looks, and much more likely to admire a classmate getting into one of the Ivies for grad school than someone who married a rich guy.
For example, we found out that Dr. Oz's wife is a Bryn Mawr grad, and the consensus was "Ugh, Eeeeuuuw, how could she?" It's one thing when he was a research physician at Columbia, but a quack doctor on television???? It doesn't matter how many houses--- in New Jersey, or elsewhere-- the guy might have, not to women from Bryn Mawr. There was a collective cringe.
I've gone feral during the pandemic, no make up, and mostly sweatpants. But honestly, being self-employed for the past couple of decades is the greatest luxury imaginable. Jason's software sold because it was excellent, and because I was good at writing marketing language, not because I wore the right mascara.
Thank you for writing this essay, especially since you did make money from your looks when you were younger. I bet many other women were bright green from jealousy looking at you back then.
The ancient Greeks showed they truly understood the double-edged sword which is great beauty, in the myth of Psyche.
"Gone feral." I love that! I've gone feral, too. Samesies!
You know, I've often wondered what it would have been like to go to a really good girls' school like Bryn Mawr. I can't help but think it was a million times less stressful. Or maybe I'm wrong.
I feel sorry for Mehmet Oz's wife. She's married to HIM.
Ah yes, the male gaze. I've fallen under it a few times in my life. Had to let the lads know that I am, alas, hetero. And in that capacity my gaze has fallen on women. A lot. I hope that I have not disturbed the women who've caught my eye. Try not to. I don't feel ashamed about it because I think it is DNA driven and I never argue with DNA and also, because my mother raised me right and I got good counseling from male mentors, I'm under pretty good self-regulation. We men are out there casting our seed where we can and to that end we respond to what attracts us. We do not, in our first encounters with the girls and women who attract us, encounter their intelligence, or lack thereof, that will come later. Inevitably the more important elements of a female's nature will engage with our own and things will either work out or not. It does not surprise me that women, driven by their own DNA, will do what they think will make them more (or less) attractive. Nor does it surprise me that these basic elements are exploited by those who would be made rich by their exploitation. As to you not caring how you look - except in relationship to John - I just think that what's good enough for John is OK with me. If you have a desire to be healthy and do what is necessary to maintain your health, it's more likely than not you're lookin' good.
Looking is perfectly okay! To look is to be human. It's not men looking that's as big a problem as the way women are conditioned to feel as though they only have value when that male gaze is directed to them.
In a perfect world, which we have never had and are not likely to have in the future, women would feel the same level of self-acceptance that most men just take for granted. Women would be valued as people, not just potential sexual partners. There are men who are capable of doing that, but not enough. And women have to clean up their side of the bell jar, too, starting with questioning their entire belief system and rightly seeing it as problematic.
“If I’m doing it, it’s attainable.” I read that and think, "Yeah, but why bother?" It saddens me to think how many girls do struggle to attain whatever it is Kim K. is doing. She's a manufactured thing, not even real. Ah, but what do I know. I have a penis, which means I'm prone to thinking with the wrong head....
You could have a hundred penises and you wouldn't think with the wrong head. And that's because you don't think with your head, but your heart. That's such a good thing.
I love this! I'm sharing it. Thanks, Stace!
Girl, I know you feel me on this.
I would say that the exact same thing is now being applied to men. Maybe predominantly gay men but certainly straight men as well. The utter narcisism in posing for shirtless post-pump selfies at the gym is taking up 3/4 of the internet. The constant striving for the perfect physique when, no matter how hard you work out, it's going to start to age and then what. I have plenty of friends who have the fitness thing in a good balanced place, as far as I can tell, but I also have some that are just addicted to it. They don't think that they are ever going to be 60 but they will (if they're lucky). And of course, everybody is layered with filters anyway so what's being put on display is truly rarely achievable in real life.
All of that said, I really do need to get back to the gym!
My only legitimate complaint about living here is no access to a gym. I just can't maintain any level of fitness without one. I don't know how, and the things I need (weights, weights, weights) aren't available for home consumption in the same way they are at a gym.
That said, I wince when I read about the eating disorders that are ramping up among young men. All of this is driven by social media. Anyone who says otherwise is pretty naïve.
According to an ancient Roman gourmand Apicius, “we eat with our eyes”, seems apropos to your observations. Beef cake and eye candy is a facade, presented as appetizing, without knowing the ingredients. Is it made with love? Salty or sweet? It should be inside out, and not the other way. Self esteem is hard to acquire with the social media cannibalistic pressures. You’d hope that young adults (men and women) would digest a five course meal instead of fast food. In the long run, it’s much more fulfilling.
I have heard it said, and I might agree, that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.
The cover photo of Jennifer Aniston on Allure is a prime example of what you wrote about. I wish they had used a photo of Jen, wearing jeans and a tee, surrounded by her dogs. I feel sorry for young women trying to navigate the false narrative that that is being fed to them.
Hard to watch, isn't it? My daughter, who is 22, is just as caught up in it as I was at her age. I want better for her, but anything I say will sound like criticism, so I observe my own rule about parenting adult children: zip it. Just zip it.