It is funny that you should light upon this topic, because in my own story telling I stumbled into a situation where two different pairs of characters in two different places wind up talking about the nature of a city. (On this subject, I pretty much take all of my cues from Lewis Mumford.) What one character in one pair recognizes is the need for privacy in order to nurture personality. It is the shadow that makes the individual; when everything is in the light, the personal is destroyed. (Anyway, that's my story.) Villages don't allow those shadows to form. Towns are not much better. It is only with the city that a person can be alone in a crowd, and in that solitude find their own self.
(Just writing that, I am suddenly struck by Whitehead's statement that, "religion is what we do with our solitariness.")
In their book, "The Dawn of Everything," the 'two Davids' (I could look up their names, but I'm not going to) talk about Neolithic hunter/gatherers who nominally spent all their lives with groups of under 100 people. Except they also had trade and contact with groups over a 1,000 miles away. One of the thoughts they speculate on (and which rings true to me), is that some few members of these groups just couldn't take it any more and left. And just kept walking until they found someone who'd never heard of anyone they'd ever heard of. Manufacturing their self by getting out from under the oppressive, all revealing gaze of that tiny, inbred group.
Unlike you, I've always suffered from social paranoia. I've no special love for monk-like isolation. But better that than living under a microscope powered by klieg lights.
DAMN, Gares, that was profound: "What one character in one pair recognizes is the need for privacy in order to nurture personality. It is the shadow that makes the individual; when everything is in the light, the personal is destroyed. (Anyway, that's my story.) Villages don't allow those shadows to form. Towns are not much better. It is only with the city that a person can be alone in a crowd, and in that solitude find their own self."
Christ, that's a lot to chew on. I'm quite besotted. You managed to articulate something that I've struggled to articulate, and I'm not the only one. The whole conundrum of society versus solitude was a major theme with the Romantic poets and writers who were coming out of a period in history when no one had any privacy and wouldn't have wanted any if it were available.
I love love LOVE what you said there. Need to sit with it.
There’s some great insight and observations that is so relatable, not so much for me living in a small town, but small social settings sometimes. It’s like a balance of the Id and the ego, which one is coming out to play today? I feel paranoia is derived from what people think of you, but essentially it’s meaningless and somewhat irrational if they don’t know you. A waste of energy in the long run. Thus, like you say, it’s something that you can’t control. Hearsay is inadmissible in the court of one’s mind. No one likes to be judged, but generally, the gavel slapper is the one exposing their insecurities that don’t jive with your spirited truths. Fuck’em! True friends should call each other out, or notify them if they’ve been offended. You apologize and move on, it’s sharing and caring, which leads to growth. If people can’t be authentic, trying to appease small town, or big town societal expectations, then apparently these dark alleys need more sunshine! Nobody’s perfect, but acknowledging one’s flaws is admirable. Every rose has it’s thorn, and it’s still beautiful. 🥀
AMEN, coz. But not enough people are that direct, sadly. There are, I believe, a few reasons for this. 1) insults come as a surprise, most times, 2) it takes a hot minute to process what just happened, 3) we instinctively know it's better to adopt a "wait and see" policy rather than fly off the handle.
What gets lost, of course, is any chance to clarify or make amends. And that's sad. I had a darling friend, a critique partner in fact, that really hurt my feelings--twice. The first time, I told her about it. She didn't handle it very adeptly, but that's kind of who she is and I accept that. The second time, I called her out and she ghosted me. What kind of bullshit is that? And this was a fifteen-year friendship.
If I could give anyone advice on how to be a friend, it is this: Listen. Be direct. It's actually pretty simple. You'd think more people would know how to do it.
You're a terrific friend, by the way. I should know.
I got ghosted as well after a 20 yr. friendship, no reason or explanation. Turns out a few mutual friends were also ghosted by the same person. I was upset until I heard about that, which told me it was about him. Yes, listen and be direct for sure. 👍🥰
Your remark about meaninglessness due to not really knowing a person is so true. And words can easily be misconstrued. My own sarcasm has probably thrown some off...or they just don't get it.
OTOH, when I'm passionate about a subject and let loose then it's on me, but still their choice to come back with rebuttal if there's disagreement. We're supposedly adults; however, skins seem to have gotten thinner of late.
SO THIN. What's that all about, I wonder? And you're right, of course--the perception of sarcasm or irony appears to be blunted these days. I blame social media. Facebook has NO sense of humor or sarcasm detection.
In 20 years in my small town (familiar to you) I have found just one local woman who has finally arrived at these same conclusions and that I am pleased to call a friend. She is wise and gets me, despite overwhelming local voices that condemn and disparage (“crazy”/“bitch”). As I get older I find it easier and easier to not give a damn and hope that many are actually afraid of me. That will keep them at the appropriate distance. Like you, I no longer have or wear that particular mask and my true feelings are always evident on my face. I also loudly chant “Die Motherfucker” at the few I hate in particular, none of whom, luckily, speak English.
You are the strongest flavor of yourself--unapologetically so, which means I already admire the shit out of you. I'm so glad you have a like-minded friend. This is important.
All that's missing is an actual T-shirt that reads "Die Motherfucker," in which case I will require photos of said shirt being worn proudly in public.
Great idea! It might not go over well. My “Fuck Off, Bitch” fabric mask was not well-received in the UK, and would have been met with blank stares in Italy. So disappointing.
We have spent the last two weeks meeting people who have "heard all about us". To be fair, we've heard all about them, too. Like meeting a famous person, you have to discard that, let the new person in and see what parts of what you have been told are actually right and what parts are skewed given who the assessment has come from. There are, indeed, only so many houses in this town, lol. All we can do, I think, is be who we are, express what we think and let the chips land where they may. Dinner next week?
I’m laughing so hard! It’s soooooo lovely knowing someone out there understands the dynamic so perfectly. I agree with everything you said: back burner what you’ve heard and make your own assessment. And I say HELL YES to dinner. Wish you guys weren’t leaving.
"A typical Aries." Hmm...I'm an Aries, but I still have no idea what that means.
I have a group of friends that I've kind of fallen into over the years. Our wives are all nurses or NPs, and we're all soccer nerds, though I'm the only one who's actually played and coached. At this point, we have our own language, and the one thing we agree on is that no one gets upset by insults or jokes, because no one means anything by them.
It works, but it took me probably 5-7 years before I really felt at ease, which is pretty typical for me as a confirmed introvert. Now we all make fun of one another, we know each other's weaknesses and foibles, and we have fun together. But there are still times when I still kinda want to be invisible.
It is funny that you should light upon this topic, because in my own story telling I stumbled into a situation where two different pairs of characters in two different places wind up talking about the nature of a city. (On this subject, I pretty much take all of my cues from Lewis Mumford.) What one character in one pair recognizes is the need for privacy in order to nurture personality. It is the shadow that makes the individual; when everything is in the light, the personal is destroyed. (Anyway, that's my story.) Villages don't allow those shadows to form. Towns are not much better. It is only with the city that a person can be alone in a crowd, and in that solitude find their own self.
(Just writing that, I am suddenly struck by Whitehead's statement that, "religion is what we do with our solitariness.")
In their book, "The Dawn of Everything," the 'two Davids' (I could look up their names, but I'm not going to) talk about Neolithic hunter/gatherers who nominally spent all their lives with groups of under 100 people. Except they also had trade and contact with groups over a 1,000 miles away. One of the thoughts they speculate on (and which rings true to me), is that some few members of these groups just couldn't take it any more and left. And just kept walking until they found someone who'd never heard of anyone they'd ever heard of. Manufacturing their self by getting out from under the oppressive, all revealing gaze of that tiny, inbred group.
Unlike you, I've always suffered from social paranoia. I've no special love for monk-like isolation. But better that than living under a microscope powered by klieg lights.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeH4vCOKd8E
DAMN, Gares, that was profound: "What one character in one pair recognizes is the need for privacy in order to nurture personality. It is the shadow that makes the individual; when everything is in the light, the personal is destroyed. (Anyway, that's my story.) Villages don't allow those shadows to form. Towns are not much better. It is only with the city that a person can be alone in a crowd, and in that solitude find their own self."
Christ, that's a lot to chew on. I'm quite besotted. You managed to articulate something that I've struggled to articulate, and I'm not the only one. The whole conundrum of society versus solitude was a major theme with the Romantic poets and writers who were coming out of a period in history when no one had any privacy and wouldn't have wanted any if it were available.
I love love LOVE what you said there. Need to sit with it.
There’s some great insight and observations that is so relatable, not so much for me living in a small town, but small social settings sometimes. It’s like a balance of the Id and the ego, which one is coming out to play today? I feel paranoia is derived from what people think of you, but essentially it’s meaningless and somewhat irrational if they don’t know you. A waste of energy in the long run. Thus, like you say, it’s something that you can’t control. Hearsay is inadmissible in the court of one’s mind. No one likes to be judged, but generally, the gavel slapper is the one exposing their insecurities that don’t jive with your spirited truths. Fuck’em! True friends should call each other out, or notify them if they’ve been offended. You apologize and move on, it’s sharing and caring, which leads to growth. If people can’t be authentic, trying to appease small town, or big town societal expectations, then apparently these dark alleys need more sunshine! Nobody’s perfect, but acknowledging one’s flaws is admirable. Every rose has it’s thorn, and it’s still beautiful. 🥀
AMEN, coz. But not enough people are that direct, sadly. There are, I believe, a few reasons for this. 1) insults come as a surprise, most times, 2) it takes a hot minute to process what just happened, 3) we instinctively know it's better to adopt a "wait and see" policy rather than fly off the handle.
What gets lost, of course, is any chance to clarify or make amends. And that's sad. I had a darling friend, a critique partner in fact, that really hurt my feelings--twice. The first time, I told her about it. She didn't handle it very adeptly, but that's kind of who she is and I accept that. The second time, I called her out and she ghosted me. What kind of bullshit is that? And this was a fifteen-year friendship.
If I could give anyone advice on how to be a friend, it is this: Listen. Be direct. It's actually pretty simple. You'd think more people would know how to do it.
You're a terrific friend, by the way. I should know.
I got ghosted as well after a 20 yr. friendship, no reason or explanation. Turns out a few mutual friends were also ghosted by the same person. I was upset until I heard about that, which told me it was about him. Yes, listen and be direct for sure. 👍🥰
That person's loss. Seriously. You are a wonderful human being to know.
Your remark about meaninglessness due to not really knowing a person is so true. And words can easily be misconstrued. My own sarcasm has probably thrown some off...or they just don't get it.
OTOH, when I'm passionate about a subject and let loose then it's on me, but still their choice to come back with rebuttal if there's disagreement. We're supposedly adults; however, skins seem to have gotten thinner of late.
SO THIN. What's that all about, I wonder? And you're right, of course--the perception of sarcasm or irony appears to be blunted these days. I blame social media. Facebook has NO sense of humor or sarcasm detection.
In 20 years in my small town (familiar to you) I have found just one local woman who has finally arrived at these same conclusions and that I am pleased to call a friend. She is wise and gets me, despite overwhelming local voices that condemn and disparage (“crazy”/“bitch”). As I get older I find it easier and easier to not give a damn and hope that many are actually afraid of me. That will keep them at the appropriate distance. Like you, I no longer have or wear that particular mask and my true feelings are always evident on my face. I also loudly chant “Die Motherfucker” at the few I hate in particular, none of whom, luckily, speak English.
:-)
You are the strongest flavor of yourself--unapologetically so, which means I already admire the shit out of you. I'm so glad you have a like-minded friend. This is important.
All that's missing is an actual T-shirt that reads "Die Motherfucker," in which case I will require photos of said shirt being worn proudly in public.
Great idea! It might not go over well. My “Fuck Off, Bitch” fabric mask was not well-received in the UK, and would have been met with blank stares in Italy. So disappointing.
BAHAHAHAHAHA! I would have loved seeing that!
We have spent the last two weeks meeting people who have "heard all about us". To be fair, we've heard all about them, too. Like meeting a famous person, you have to discard that, let the new person in and see what parts of what you have been told are actually right and what parts are skewed given who the assessment has come from. There are, indeed, only so many houses in this town, lol. All we can do, I think, is be who we are, express what we think and let the chips land where they may. Dinner next week?
I’m laughing so hard! It’s soooooo lovely knowing someone out there understands the dynamic so perfectly. I agree with everything you said: back burner what you’ve heard and make your own assessment. And I say HELL YES to dinner. Wish you guys weren’t leaving.
"A typical Aries." Hmm...I'm an Aries, but I still have no idea what that means.
I have a group of friends that I've kind of fallen into over the years. Our wives are all nurses or NPs, and we're all soccer nerds, though I'm the only one who's actually played and coached. At this point, we have our own language, and the one thing we agree on is that no one gets upset by insults or jokes, because no one means anything by them.
It works, but it took me probably 5-7 years before I really felt at ease, which is pretty typical for me as a confirmed introvert. Now we all make fun of one another, we know each other's weaknesses and foibles, and we have fun together. But there are still times when I still kinda want to be invisible.
The great things about dudes is how dissing one another is an actual form of affection.
Oh, boy, your article made my mind immediately leap to this song 😉:
https://youtu.be/g0WPPAN9JyM
I haven't heard that song in AGES!
Yeah. I'm an Aries too, living in a village.
LOL! Life is hard for us, isn't it? Do you suffer from my hoof-and-mouth disease, too, or have you learned to just zip it?
Zip it?! Forgettaboutit.