How to Swear Like an Italian

There WILL be profanity in this article! Viewer discretion advised.

Photo from Il Post.

Life offers us few joys. Swearing in Italian is one of them.

I have this whole thing about television, as in we don’t have one, which is why in the true spirit of hypocrisy, I feast my grabby little eyes on every television in every coffee bar that offers itself to my gaze. Such was the case when I dropped by one of our neighborhood baristas for a cappuccino a few years ago. The corner television was on, and—holy cow, did that guy just say what I think he said?

Vaffanculo. He said vaffanculo. During primetime. It means “go f*** yourself in the ass.”

You can swear on television in Italy. It’s MARVELOUS. As a writer, I am an equal opportunity purveyor of words, all words, sacred, profane, highbrow, lowbrow, it doesn’t matter. My own vernacular is on the salty side. I admit this. But I defy you to find any sentence in English that can’t be improved by adding a finely constructed F-bomb.

Photo by Toscana Oggi.

Here’s a hilarious video of a sports broadcaster’s blasphemous outtakes, in which he spews repeated instances of porco dio (pig God), dio cane (God as a dog), and porca madonna (the Holy Mother as a pig). Even if you don’t speak Italian, he’s a joy to watch, and a good instructor if you’re really going to learn how to swear properly. In some parts of the U.S., you may have to verify your age to watch.

Not only can you swear on Italian television, I’ve seen naked not-cable-but-primetime boobs, plumes of pubic hair, and lots of cheek meat. The only thing that is absolutely verboten is bestemmia (blasphemy), which is why—second only to the F-bomb—Italian bestemmia is my favorite thing.

Taken on the aggregate, Italian women don’t blaspheme, but men do. This makes me a little prickly, as I’m pretty sure there’s a double standard at play here. Still, there is something thrilling about hearing a well-turned porco dio or porca madonna, which is just the worst, most censorious blasphemy, rippling off a native tongue.

About eight years ago, a parish priest was fired (stop and marvel at the irony—pederasty okay; bestemmia not okay) when he was shepherding the faithful at Sunday service, tripped over a wire and got caught muttering “Porca madonna!” on a hot mic. There’s a good way to kiss your career goodbye.

Here’s a video of a cute Italian guy who wants to help you correctly pronounce Italian profanity. Age verification may be required.

Also scrumptious: Cristo Morto Malissimo or “Christ Dying Badly.” It sounds so hokey when you translate it into English, but here in Italy, you can really make some eyeballs pop. You just can’t say it on television!

But here is a by-no-means comprehensive list of Italian swears, most of which involve the word cazzo. Cazzo, quite simply, means dick. Italians love anything with the word dick in it, and no one, absolutely no one, uses the word more artfully and with greater vehemence and feeling than your even mildly pissed off Italian.

A word of warning here. If you’re going to use these words, use them properly. Don’t half-ass it. You gotta commit, really dig in and find the fire. Hand gestures are recommended. Do raise your voice. No tepid cazzos, thank you.

A cazzo di cane (you’re doing it badly)

In culo alla balena (literally: into the ass of a whale. Figuratively: good luck!)

Cazzi da cagare (it’s bad—real bad. It’s shitting dicks)

Un cazzo per il culo (it’s going to be a dick in the ass)

Quanti cazzi per culo (literally: how many dicks up my ass. Figuratively: used to express annoyance at something that comes up when you already have a ton of things to deal with; in other words, I already have a bunch of dicks up my ass, not another one!)

Cazzi fritti (fried dicks—it’s bad)

Cazzi amari (sour dicks—it’s bad)

S’o cazzi (it’s going to be tough. There will be dicks)

Non mi importa un cazzo (I don’t give a dick)

Non me ne fregga un cazzo (I don’t give a dick)

Levati dal cazzo (Get out of the way!)

Testa di cazzo (dick head)

Si, col cazzo (No, forget about it—or yes, with dick)

Uno stronzo del cazzo (an asshole of the dick)

Cuscina a cazzo (something poorly done—it can be any verb followed by “a cazzo”)

Cazzo vuoi (what the dick do you want?)

Il cazzo che te se frega (the dick that screws you)

Dove cazzo vai? (where the f*** (dick) are you going?)

Stare sul cazzo (what you say to someone who’s getting on your nerves)

Fatti i cazzi tuoi (mind your own business)

Non vedo un cazzo (I can’t see dick)

Grazie al cazzo (thanks for nothing)

Uno scazzo (a disagreement)

C’e fare cazzate (don’t do anything stupid)

Cazzuto (tough, strong—as in I think the test is going to be tough)

Una fancazzista (somebody who doesn’t do dick)

Sto cazzo (Never going to happen—or this dick)

Facciamo i cazzi nostri (mind your own dicks)

Here’s a funny video of an Italian worker singing “super God dog thief filthy shitty” to the jaunty tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Are you getting a feel for it now? If you say it like you absolutely mean it, you’re already halfway there. Next time you visit Italy, be sure to keep your ears open to the mellifluous sound of Italian swearing. Because let’s face it—Italians can make anything sound spectacular and like something you really want to do.

Are you profane? If so, I want you to CONFESS YOUR SINS below!