We are hard wired for violence, but also for congenial cooperation, for tenderness, love. Many, too many, however, live lives that, especially in childhood and adolescence, have landed them in situations where they have not had the rules of civility inculcated into their developing minds. Not socialized in other words. And what is a core element in the civilized mind: a disinclination to interfere in the lives of others - to respect their "boundaries" to use the parlance of the day. An uncivilized human will cross such boundaries almost without thought. I get pissed off when I witness incivil, uncivil behaviour - especially when I am the guilty party. Seems to me that you have the same reaction - a kind of primal reaction. Weird ain't it, that our response to someone else's violent boundary-crossing engenders our own violent response? I guess that's what you mean by "hard wired".
Yes, that's exactly what I mean. It's humbling to recognize in oneself, especially those of us who delude ourselves into believing we lead examined lives. All the education and examination in the world can't save us from ourselves. But ... you will like this quote from Vasily Grossman, which I keep with me wherever I go. It is my lodestar.
"The powerlessness of kindness, of senseless kindness, is the secret to its immortality. It can never be conquered. The more stupid, the more senseless, the more helpless it may seem, the vaster it is. Evil is impotent before it. The prophets, religious teachers, reformers, social and political leaders are impotent before it. This dumb, blind love is man's meaning.
"Human history is not the battle of good struggling to overcome evil. It is a battle fought by a great evil struggling to crush a small kernel of human kindness. But if what is human in human beings has not been destroyed even now, then evil will never conquer."
Those who learn the art of kindness are secretly invincible, which makes them durable in an often unendurable world. But the thing I like most about it is that acts of kindness - gifts of kindness - never fail to lift the spirits of those upon whom they are bestowed, almost to the point of inspiration. In all cases they are a surprise, a luscious spiritual candy that sugars the recipient's heart and sweetens their existence.
The good news is that you at least possess the self-awareness to recognize your dark side. You have an understanding of what you may be capable of and your inability to stop it. That means there's hope. The bad news is that the time may come when you get yourself in over your head...and then who knows what happens? For your sake, I hope that time never comes.
I've been in two fights in my life, both in fourth grade. I lost both (ignominiously, I might add), and promptly retired from the fight game. I've seen enough of war to know that violence solves nothing. As Bertrand Russell said, war doesn't determine who's right, only who's left...and so I've always tried to err on the side of nonviolence. That said, I know I'm not Mahatma Gandhi; there's a point at which I will break. Where and when that might happen is something I hope I never discover.
I'm thankful I live in a place where the sort of violence you describe, whether verbal or physical, is exceedingly rare. I'm not squeezed by far too many people in close proximity on an island. I can't begin to speak to the environment you live in and the effect it has, which I suspect is substantial. I can only hope that you'll be able to find the inner peace to remain above the fray.
That's a GREAT quote: "War doesn't determine who's right, only who's left." Perfect.
I think there's a reason I am here. There must be. I'm an odd duck, really, a non-believer to my core, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. And there is surely some reason why I have been dropped into this particular soup.
I never ever want you fighting again. Your are important to the people that love you. So, I'm cutting you off ;-)
once again, you're writing my experience. NYC somehow brings it out of me worse than any place I've ever lived -- including Houston, Annapolis, Los Angeles, San Francisco. I'm no stranger to big cities, but I feel like life-and-death is so much closer to the surface in NYC, and I am somehow compelled to participate, to stop whatever madness is unfurling before my eyes.
Well, hell, Laureen. It looks as though you've got this thing, too. I am very sorry about that.
I think the thing with NYC is this: We all live on top of each other, and we're not closed off in cars and gated communities. It really IS a naked city, so we see everything, everywhere, all the time, all at once. There's no hiding anything. Even if you want to, you can't.
There's a young man who lives in the building next to ours. He either has an anger management problem, Tourette's, or some other form of mental illness. Most of the day, he screams obscenities. Not the occasional ones we say, but all the time and for no apparent reason. The superintendent says his mother dropped him off last year and likely pays his rent. He's not her problem anymore. He's ours.
But his story is a lot of people's stories. Park your kid somewhere and throw some money at him.
I don’t think violence is innate, or destined to be hard wired, but perhaps a symptom of close environs, or compounded by economical disparity. Whether it’s the burbs or living in the city, there’s always gonna be confrontations of violence derived from fear, anger and disagreement. Empathy is a power, as well as restraint. People can, and will be assholes, violent ones. Sometimes fight or flight requires the bunny hopping away for self preservation. There’s no shame in that.
What you are failing to see is that the level of violence is uniquely American. I have lived in large cities. Bangkok, Mexico City far exceed NYC so population, crowding isn't the reason.
"We are very much what we were thousands of years ago..." i'm not sure that even witch hunters of the middle ages executed random acts of violence as we regularly do today. vile as they were, their behaviors were intentional. even crazies like jack the ripper, or later the gangs of five points, or even later, the mafia were revengeful or intentionally violent. maybe we just hit compassion fatigue and are so desensitized that we are inbreeding a civilization of narcissists.
I worry about that, too! A LOT. Are Americans becoming more, not less, narcissistic? Is social media driving it? If true, will there come a breaking point? Is there any hope for us?
The great thing about getting older is getting wiser. But that wisdom comes at a price, doesn't it? And the young ones don't want to listen to us at all.
This is one of the reasons why I do not dare participate in protest actions, I am just too quick to lose my shit. In my case, I'm not sure which would be worse if I hauled off and hit someone -- the person gets mad and reduces me to a grease stain on the ground, or the person doesn't even notice. Given how I hit, I think that they are about equally likely.
I strongly suspect you and I are a lot alike in this regard. Beneath our curmudgeonly exteriors lurks a marshmallow heart and a propensity to smite the "wicked." Which helps nothing.
I’m not sure radical acceptance is about being ok with terrible stuff…for me it’s about trying not to ADD to the suffering that is already inevitable by reacting poorly. That, of course, is the only thing we can control…but easier said than done!
I get that you have these strong reactions - it’s only human, and you are a momma bear, through and through. But if you can observe yourself in these moments, as you have already begun to do, it is possible to create a sliver of space, one just large enough for us to deliberate. It may sound crazy, but it is possible.
Stephen Cope: "Through practice, I have come to see that the deepest source of my misery is not wanting things to be the way they are. Not wanting myself to be the way I am. Not wanting the world to be the way it is. Not wanting others to be the way they are. Whenever I am suffering, I find this war with reality to be at the heart of the problem."
Beautiful essay. I tend to internalize and then play out revenge fantasies in my head. For eternity. Or until I get bored. I'm still nursing 4-year-old resentments against my former employers. As much as I would like to disengage and just let it all go, I don't seem to be able to do that. One of the things that the end of that job did for me is to make me not want to do the job again. I had one job afterward - post-pandemic - which, although perfectly fine, cemented that. Yesterday, I said no to leading a full Broadway play. I wasn't anxious, my hackles didn't go up, I just couldn't imagine doing it and not being able to go to Italy this summer, etc. It felt GREAT to say no after years of saying yes. I want to say yes to other things. The rage we all feel in life gets channelled into so many different things - our behaviour, our relationships, and even our health. It seems to be a major design flaw. We should be able to control that instinct to violence but if history has shown us anything, it has shown us that we are completely unable to do that. Once the wheel starts turning there is rarely any going back. This election is all about a nation dealing with its rage and acting out. It isn't remotely rational. It's an instinctual, chemical rection. But, I digress. I'm sorry that happened to you and I am glad there were no immediate repercussions. xoxoxox
Holy crap, Richard. You said no to a Bway play??? Congratulations!!! You are such an inspiration to me.
Of course, you have also opened up a strange portal occupied by very very few, people who by their very refusals now find themselves more desirable than ever. There was a great BBC/American production comic series called "Episodes" (if you haven't seen it, I HIGHLY recommend it) that demonstrated this sick, dysfunctional dance that is often played out in the arts. To wit: the more you say no, the more they want you.
Because you are my friend, your enemies are my enemies, so let me know if there is anything I can do for you in that regard ;-) They'll never see it coming.
I, too, am trying the radical acceptance route. It's very hard going, and I expect I will fail at it. As I age I feel so much more permeable and attuned to the evil, misery, and desperation of humans, but more appreciative of the small kindmesses that I see and can bestow occasionally. Maybe consider getting the fuck out of NYC as a long-term goal, no? X
That remains the question before the court: NYC or ....? What compares to it?
I'm conscious of some relief when you say that getting older has made you more attuned to the evil, misery, and desperation of humans. I believe that may be true. I was ten years younger when I last lived in this country. Now I'm getting dropped into it again as some kind of botched Robert Heinlein "Stranger in a Strange Land" experiment.
I was re-watching “Masters of the Air” the other day and came on the scene where Harry Crosby quotes Nietsche.”When you fight monsters, be sure you don’t become a monster. If you stare long enough into the abyss, it stares back.”
In a city of 8 million people, there are bound to be a few monsters that will need to be faced. It’s good that you’re facing them down, but watch for the downside.
We are hard wired for violence, but also for congenial cooperation, for tenderness, love. Many, too many, however, live lives that, especially in childhood and adolescence, have landed them in situations where they have not had the rules of civility inculcated into their developing minds. Not socialized in other words. And what is a core element in the civilized mind: a disinclination to interfere in the lives of others - to respect their "boundaries" to use the parlance of the day. An uncivilized human will cross such boundaries almost without thought. I get pissed off when I witness incivil, uncivil behaviour - especially when I am the guilty party. Seems to me that you have the same reaction - a kind of primal reaction. Weird ain't it, that our response to someone else's violent boundary-crossing engenders our own violent response? I guess that's what you mean by "hard wired".
Yes, that's exactly what I mean. It's humbling to recognize in oneself, especially those of us who delude ourselves into believing we lead examined lives. All the education and examination in the world can't save us from ourselves. But ... you will like this quote from Vasily Grossman, which I keep with me wherever I go. It is my lodestar.
"The powerlessness of kindness, of senseless kindness, is the secret to its immortality. It can never be conquered. The more stupid, the more senseless, the more helpless it may seem, the vaster it is. Evil is impotent before it. The prophets, religious teachers, reformers, social and political leaders are impotent before it. This dumb, blind love is man's meaning.
"Human history is not the battle of good struggling to overcome evil. It is a battle fought by a great evil struggling to crush a small kernel of human kindness. But if what is human in human beings has not been destroyed even now, then evil will never conquer."
Those who learn the art of kindness are secretly invincible, which makes them durable in an often unendurable world. But the thing I like most about it is that acts of kindness - gifts of kindness - never fail to lift the spirits of those upon whom they are bestowed, almost to the point of inspiration. In all cases they are a surprise, a luscious spiritual candy that sugars the recipient's heart and sweetens their existence.
The good news is that you at least possess the self-awareness to recognize your dark side. You have an understanding of what you may be capable of and your inability to stop it. That means there's hope. The bad news is that the time may come when you get yourself in over your head...and then who knows what happens? For your sake, I hope that time never comes.
I've been in two fights in my life, both in fourth grade. I lost both (ignominiously, I might add), and promptly retired from the fight game. I've seen enough of war to know that violence solves nothing. As Bertrand Russell said, war doesn't determine who's right, only who's left...and so I've always tried to err on the side of nonviolence. That said, I know I'm not Mahatma Gandhi; there's a point at which I will break. Where and when that might happen is something I hope I never discover.
I'm thankful I live in a place where the sort of violence you describe, whether verbal or physical, is exceedingly rare. I'm not squeezed by far too many people in close proximity on an island. I can't begin to speak to the environment you live in and the effect it has, which I suspect is substantial. I can only hope that you'll be able to find the inner peace to remain above the fray.
Good luck with that in NYC. ;-)
That's a GREAT quote: "War doesn't determine who's right, only who's left." Perfect.
I think there's a reason I am here. There must be. I'm an odd duck, really, a non-believer to my core, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. And there is surely some reason why I have been dropped into this particular soup.
I never ever want you fighting again. Your are important to the people that love you. So, I'm cutting you off ;-)
Done. I’ve seen enough.
once again, you're writing my experience. NYC somehow brings it out of me worse than any place I've ever lived -- including Houston, Annapolis, Los Angeles, San Francisco. I'm no stranger to big cities, but I feel like life-and-death is so much closer to the surface in NYC, and I am somehow compelled to participate, to stop whatever madness is unfurling before my eyes.
Well, hell, Laureen. It looks as though you've got this thing, too. I am very sorry about that.
I think the thing with NYC is this: We all live on top of each other, and we're not closed off in cars and gated communities. It really IS a naked city, so we see everything, everywhere, all the time, all at once. There's no hiding anything. Even if you want to, you can't.
There's a young man who lives in the building next to ours. He either has an anger management problem, Tourette's, or some other form of mental illness. Most of the day, he screams obscenities. Not the occasional ones we say, but all the time and for no apparent reason. The superintendent says his mother dropped him off last year and likely pays his rent. He's not her problem anymore. He's ours.
But his story is a lot of people's stories. Park your kid somewhere and throw some money at him.
I don’t think violence is innate, or destined to be hard wired, but perhaps a symptom of close environs, or compounded by economical disparity. Whether it’s the burbs or living in the city, there’s always gonna be confrontations of violence derived from fear, anger and disagreement. Empathy is a power, as well as restraint. People can, and will be assholes, violent ones. Sometimes fight or flight requires the bunny hopping away for self preservation. There’s no shame in that.
Absolutely no shame; indeed, in most cases, honor. It's an age-old debate, isn't it? Nature or nurture. I wish I knew the answer.
Yes, honor. Great way of putting that. 👍
What you are failing to see is that the level of violence is uniquely American. I have lived in large cities. Bangkok, Mexico City far exceed NYC so population, crowding isn't the reason.
For some reason America has gone off the rails.
AGREED. I mull this weirdly American phenomenon over and over in my head. Let you know if I have any success ;-)
Beautifully written. No matter how much we claim we're above all animals, we can't seem to quit acting like chimpanzees.
We need to recognize it, and we either don't or won't. We fail to see it at our peril.
"We are very much what we were thousands of years ago..." i'm not sure that even witch hunters of the middle ages executed random acts of violence as we regularly do today. vile as they were, their behaviors were intentional. even crazies like jack the ripper, or later the gangs of five points, or even later, the mafia were revengeful or intentionally violent. maybe we just hit compassion fatigue and are so desensitized that we are inbreeding a civilization of narcissists.
I worry about that, too! A LOT. Are Americans becoming more, not less, narcissistic? Is social media driving it? If true, will there come a breaking point? Is there any hope for us?
The great thing about getting older is getting wiser. But that wisdom comes at a price, doesn't it? And the young ones don't want to listen to us at all.
This is one of the reasons why I do not dare participate in protest actions, I am just too quick to lose my shit. In my case, I'm not sure which would be worse if I hauled off and hit someone -- the person gets mad and reduces me to a grease stain on the ground, or the person doesn't even notice. Given how I hit, I think that they are about equally likely.
I strongly suspect you and I are a lot alike in this regard. Beneath our curmudgeonly exteriors lurks a marshmallow heart and a propensity to smite the "wicked." Which helps nothing.
I’m not sure radical acceptance is about being ok with terrible stuff…for me it’s about trying not to ADD to the suffering that is already inevitable by reacting poorly. That, of course, is the only thing we can control…but easier said than done!
I get that you have these strong reactions - it’s only human, and you are a momma bear, through and through. But if you can observe yourself in these moments, as you have already begun to do, it is possible to create a sliver of space, one just large enough for us to deliberate. It may sound crazy, but it is possible.
I hope you're right. I want you to be right.
Stephen Cope: "Through practice, I have come to see that the deepest source of my misery is not wanting things to be the way they are. Not wanting myself to be the way I am. Not wanting the world to be the way it is. Not wanting others to be the way they are. Whenever I am suffering, I find this war with reality to be at the heart of the problem."
That really sums it all up, doesn’t it 🤦🏼♀️ We are simply excellent at making ourselves miserable 😅
Beautiful essay. I tend to internalize and then play out revenge fantasies in my head. For eternity. Or until I get bored. I'm still nursing 4-year-old resentments against my former employers. As much as I would like to disengage and just let it all go, I don't seem to be able to do that. One of the things that the end of that job did for me is to make me not want to do the job again. I had one job afterward - post-pandemic - which, although perfectly fine, cemented that. Yesterday, I said no to leading a full Broadway play. I wasn't anxious, my hackles didn't go up, I just couldn't imagine doing it and not being able to go to Italy this summer, etc. It felt GREAT to say no after years of saying yes. I want to say yes to other things. The rage we all feel in life gets channelled into so many different things - our behaviour, our relationships, and even our health. It seems to be a major design flaw. We should be able to control that instinct to violence but if history has shown us anything, it has shown us that we are completely unable to do that. Once the wheel starts turning there is rarely any going back. This election is all about a nation dealing with its rage and acting out. It isn't remotely rational. It's an instinctual, chemical rection. But, I digress. I'm sorry that happened to you and I am glad there were no immediate repercussions. xoxoxox
Holy crap, Richard. You said no to a Bway play??? Congratulations!!! You are such an inspiration to me.
Of course, you have also opened up a strange portal occupied by very very few, people who by their very refusals now find themselves more desirable than ever. There was a great BBC/American production comic series called "Episodes" (if you haven't seen it, I HIGHLY recommend it) that demonstrated this sick, dysfunctional dance that is often played out in the arts. To wit: the more you say no, the more they want you.
Because you are my friend, your enemies are my enemies, so let me know if there is anything I can do for you in that regard ;-) They'll never see it coming.
I, too, am trying the radical acceptance route. It's very hard going, and I expect I will fail at it. As I age I feel so much more permeable and attuned to the evil, misery, and desperation of humans, but more appreciative of the small kindmesses that I see and can bestow occasionally. Maybe consider getting the fuck out of NYC as a long-term goal, no? X
That remains the question before the court: NYC or ....? What compares to it?
I'm conscious of some relief when you say that getting older has made you more attuned to the evil, misery, and desperation of humans. I believe that may be true. I was ten years younger when I last lived in this country. Now I'm getting dropped into it again as some kind of botched Robert Heinlein "Stranger in a Strange Land" experiment.
Let me know how you fare, okay? I care.
I was re-watching “Masters of the Air” the other day and came on the scene where Harry Crosby quotes Nietsche.”When you fight monsters, be sure you don’t become a monster. If you stare long enough into the abyss, it stares back.”
In a city of 8 million people, there are bound to be a few monsters that will need to be faced. It’s good that you’re facing them down, but watch for the downside.