Well, this is it. This story ends while another one is just beginning. It’s 2 AM and I’m sitting inside Terminal 3 at Fiumicino Airport, my whole life spring-loaded into one suitcase, a carry-on, and my purse. It’s a good thing I’m in public. Less sniveling that way. I hate sniveling in public. I’m equally certain my family hates it, too. But there are all these memories of the way things were and will never be again--our beautiful apartment in Umbria full of light and warmth, the frescoed ceilings, John cooking in the kitchen, Les McCann’s Django playing on the turntable, one kitty warming my feet, the other vying for territory on my lap. In other words, home. Powerful word, home. When I finally turned the key on the front door for the last time, I had a moment of real panic. I wasn’t sure I could do it. I’ve spent the past nine years shutting the world out, and now it’s about to come rushing back. Also, it seems to have brought a whole bunch of friends I don’t recognize. All the beauty and tranquility I have drawn around me? Nothing more than a fever dream. It’s about to be replaced by small dogs in seasonal knitwear, up-speak, man-buns, coffee queues, and Instagrammable retail pop ups.
Failure? I think not. You’ve had nine years of a dream most people couldn’t even imagine. Did it end how you wanted? Probably not, but you have memories no one can take from you.
Now you’re on to a new chapter. It’s scary and different, but you’ll adapt. You raised two kids; what could be more terrifying than that?
I don’t know much, but I do know there’s a lot of love following you to New York. I look forward to learning about New York from your perspective. It’s a great city with a million stories. I suspect you’ll find some interesting ones.
Hang in there. As trite as it seems, it’s also true- tough times don’t last. Tough people do. And you’re tough.
I have been living for 20+ years in a place I detest. It's very pretty, however devoid of culture and very, ah-hem, southish in the US, and all that implies. I went through various phases of trying to fit in and be happy here. I had children when I got here and was divorced a bit after that. So I could not legally leave. I was trapped. Now I am leaving this summer and I feel like I'm getting out of prison. Maybe there will be live humans where I am going who can talk about books or music that I like. I'm not even sure if I can have live friends anymore.
My dream is to live in Paris. I would be happy with Italy too. Who wouldn't? I can't go quite yet because I need to get a couple of almost adults fully launched. But I will. If I don't die first. My soul almost died here. I almost gave up. But I've gathered the energy for a huge climb out.
It's funny. New York really intrigues me. I haven't been there in a while and I've never lived there. We are all happy in different environments. It could be far, far worse. But, my heart is sad for you. Your life in Italy sounded... so sweet. We always think moving will be an improvement. To a better place. Give it a chance, Stacey. You might find something there you don't expect. Something you don't remember.
I'm going to live where I'm going and try to be at peace. And for a while I'll go to Paris every year for an infusion. Until it's time to bring the cats over and stay.
Many Americans haven't had the privilege of living outside of our nation (though recently, more civilians have been able to do that, esp. while constructing European Disneylands, teaching the children of expats who are living/working in foreign countries; even an every-day tourist who spends 2 measly weeks zooming through Paris, Rome, London returns to the "good old USA" changed.
Heck, I won a trip to Hawaii 45 yrs ago and it changed my view of the world; I had never seen so many combinations of people together; never experienced so many different cuisines and got to see breathtaking beauty in the land and people. (However, it DIDN'T prepare me for San Francisco! LOL)
So, you're on your way back to the USA - be the person you became in Italy. You are a Citizen of the World!
As with most everything, you’ve wisely found the answer within and shared it with us. Thank you for reminding me that I am always home, because all too often, I forget.
"Every evil and every good thing is a shadow which we cast."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Experience," from "Essays, 2nd Series."
And lest we get confused and grant too much to Nietzsche (who was a fan of Emerson):
"In general, every evil to which we do not succumb is a benefactor."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Compensation," from "Essays, 1st Series."
Though, I would also note that Emerson was speaking more of the temptation that we resist. For my part, I'm often of the mind that whatever doesn't kill me is just biding its time.
I hope your travels and arrivals are as smooth as they may be.
Having (survived seems too strong a word; maybe "existed") in a space with not much human-ness for almost four years, I have great empathy for what you're going through. I went in with not high hopes (let's call that one "hopeful resignation") and a promise that if it was awful, we'd high-tail it away within 24 months. The pandemic fucked with that timeline, and I felt as if the forces of life were busy elsewhere. So we waited. And after the very, very worst of it, some kind of magic intervened, and even though we dared not hope, hope was on life support, hope was locked in the basement with its sibling, disappointment, but opportunity rang up, and allowed our escape. I feel for you so hard right now.
There are beautiful, more human places in this awful mess of a country, and my wish is you and John are called by opportunity to be in one soon.
We are thriving in our new locale. You'll get there, I know it. Right now, you have all my feels.
Tom Stoppard in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead: Every exit is an entrance someplace else.
We, your faithful readers, travel with you.
Failure? I think not. You’ve had nine years of a dream most people couldn’t even imagine. Did it end how you wanted? Probably not, but you have memories no one can take from you.
Now you’re on to a new chapter. It’s scary and different, but you’ll adapt. You raised two kids; what could be more terrifying than that?
I don’t know much, but I do know there’s a lot of love following you to New York. I look forward to learning about New York from your perspective. It’s a great city with a million stories. I suspect you’ll find some interesting ones.
Hang in there. As trite as it seems, it’s also true- tough times don’t last. Tough people do. And you’re tough.
Safe travels. I wish you much happiness. ❤️
I have been living for 20+ years in a place I detest. It's very pretty, however devoid of culture and very, ah-hem, southish in the US, and all that implies. I went through various phases of trying to fit in and be happy here. I had children when I got here and was divorced a bit after that. So I could not legally leave. I was trapped. Now I am leaving this summer and I feel like I'm getting out of prison. Maybe there will be live humans where I am going who can talk about books or music that I like. I'm not even sure if I can have live friends anymore.
My dream is to live in Paris. I would be happy with Italy too. Who wouldn't? I can't go quite yet because I need to get a couple of almost adults fully launched. But I will. If I don't die first. My soul almost died here. I almost gave up. But I've gathered the energy for a huge climb out.
It's funny. New York really intrigues me. I haven't been there in a while and I've never lived there. We are all happy in different environments. It could be far, far worse. But, my heart is sad for you. Your life in Italy sounded... so sweet. We always think moving will be an improvement. To a better place. Give it a chance, Stacey. You might find something there you don't expect. Something you don't remember.
I'm going to live where I'm going and try to be at peace. And for a while I'll go to Paris every year for an infusion. Until it's time to bring the cats over and stay.
You are now officially a citizen of the World!!!
Many Americans haven't had the privilege of living outside of our nation (though recently, more civilians have been able to do that, esp. while constructing European Disneylands, teaching the children of expats who are living/working in foreign countries; even an every-day tourist who spends 2 measly weeks zooming through Paris, Rome, London returns to the "good old USA" changed.
Heck, I won a trip to Hawaii 45 yrs ago and it changed my view of the world; I had never seen so many combinations of people together; never experienced so many different cuisines and got to see breathtaking beauty in the land and people. (However, it DIDN'T prepare me for San Francisco! LOL)
So, you're on your way back to the USA - be the person you became in Italy. You are a Citizen of the World!
When you e got yourself, you have all the home you’ll ever need. - Amen sister. Travel safely
As with most everything, you’ve wisely found the answer within and shared it with us. Thank you for reminding me that I am always home, because all too often, I forget.
Beautifully rendered. So much feeling combined with so much intelligence. Thank you.
"Every evil and every good thing is a shadow which we cast."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Experience," from "Essays, 2nd Series."
And lest we get confused and grant too much to Nietzsche (who was a fan of Emerson):
"In general, every evil to which we do not succumb is a benefactor."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Compensation," from "Essays, 1st Series."
Though, I would also note that Emerson was speaking more of the temptation that we resist. For my part, I'm often of the mind that whatever doesn't kill me is just biding its time.
I hope your travels and arrivals are as smooth as they may be.
Love you, Stacey.
Having (survived seems too strong a word; maybe "existed") in a space with not much human-ness for almost four years, I have great empathy for what you're going through. I went in with not high hopes (let's call that one "hopeful resignation") and a promise that if it was awful, we'd high-tail it away within 24 months. The pandemic fucked with that timeline, and I felt as if the forces of life were busy elsewhere. So we waited. And after the very, very worst of it, some kind of magic intervened, and even though we dared not hope, hope was on life support, hope was locked in the basement with its sibling, disappointment, but opportunity rang up, and allowed our escape. I feel for you so hard right now.
There are beautiful, more human places in this awful mess of a country, and my wish is you and John are called by opportunity to be in one soon.
We are thriving in our new locale. You'll get there, I know it. Right now, you have all my feels.
Beautifully written. I am looking forward to seeing New York, a city I love, through your eyes. You got this.
❤️❤️❤️beautifully said. You got this my friend! You got you! 😘
I can’t help wondering why you are giving up your beautiful life in Umbria to move to NYC, given the dread you feel about it.
sending love and blessings, dear one.