How to Look Like an American Tourist

I should know. I'm so American, I bleed apple pie.

American tourists. Photo by Nate Johnston.

Come summer in Italy, there are two things you may be sure of: it’s going to be sweltering, and there will be hordes of German and American tourists. The Germans are always tall, flushed, and scowling; the Americans stand out like a stubbed toe.

So, in the interests of making sure you look exactly like what you are—that most precious of all things, an American tourist—I put together this handy cheat-sheet. You can thank me later!

1. Flip-flops and sandals. Every single American tourist wears them, even in the dead of winter. Feel free to pair them with a nice white sock. Italian girls wear closed-toed Doc Martens, but not you. The bling-y, sparkly pedicure you got before you went on vacation isn’t going to show itself off, you know. Wear those flimsy, noisy flip-flops right into the Vatican and to a sit-down restaurant. How else will anybody know you’re American?

   

   Your classic American sock/sandal ensemble.

2. Active wear. Absolutely! The more Lycra, the better. Bicycle shorts, Spandex yoga pants—if it’s tight, sweat-inducing, and effectively holds an odor, you should wear it. True, no Italian woman would be caught dead outside the gym in active wear, but that shouldn’t matter. You’re an American! The rules don’t apply to you.

3. Selfies. Especially selfies of you pretending to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa or performing an obscene act on the Statue of David. Also encouraged: photos of every single food item you’ve ever consumed, including but not limited to: pizza, gelato, cappuccino, and heaping plates of spaghetti. Please observe the 3:1 ratio, which states that when taking selfies in front of a priceless artwork like Botticelli’s Venus or a Bernini statue, you should take up 3/4s of the photo, and the artwork 1/4. In fact, if your followers on Instagram can actually tell what you’re standing in front of, you still have work to do.

   

4. Backpacks. Every item you own should be crammed into a backpack and slung carelessly over your shoulders, but if you really want to make friends with the locals, be sure to secure your wallet and passport in the outer pocket for easy access. The more clearly defined these items are, especially to a casual observer, the better. In fact, maybe you should leave the zipper halfway undone. Or use a Sharpie to draw an arrow pointing to your wallet and passport so you don’t forget where they are.

5. Cargo shorts. Especially if you keep all your valuables in one of those soft, comfortable thigh pockets where they will be every bit as protected as a hotel safe. Standing in line at the Colosseum, hot, tired, already over it, you should have no trouble warding off thieves who might get excited when they see that bulge in your pocket.

   

   Nothing compares to the simple elegance of Crocs with socks.

6. Spaghetti straps. Spaghetti westerns, spaghetti straps, what’s the diff? When visiting Italy’s beautiful churches, especially during Mass, you’ll want to show as much skin as possible. Nothing says, “Hey, I’m American,” like bare, sunburned shoulders, so show those pam andersons off.

7. Speak loudly and with an exaggerated Italian accent. Your average Italian loves nothing more than hearing you make fun of his accented English while he’s trying to help you. Really play it up with stereotypical hand gestures and frequent exclamations, i.e., “Mamma Mia, Pappa Pia, baby’s got the diarrhea,” and other fun little asides that will have him in stitches.

8. Loudly patterned shirts. In a word, YES. If you want to impress the local ragazze, be sure to wear a Hawaiian print in size: circus tent. That goes for pants as well. The baggier, the better—not like these effete European types in their tailored slacks. For added panache, hang a camera strap around your neck and add a Gilligan hat. Mamma luna!

   

9. Put ketchup on everything. You’re not likely to find squeeze bottles of ketchup lying around here in Italy, so be sure to put a few extra in your backpack, just in case. The best way to show your appreciation for the skill and effort Italians put into their world-famous cuisine is to whip out your plastic ketchup bottle and squeeze it over and over until it emits a loud, wet, fart of ketchup, especially in the middle of an upscale restaurant.

10. Be sure to feed the pigeons. Just because pigeons are a modern-day plague in every town square in Europe is no reason not to bring corn, breadcrumbs, or bird seed. Plenty of adorable photos are to be had when they descend in a cloud of feathers and fecal aerosols and start ripping the food to shreds. The local authorities will certainly approve of your efforts and might even reward you with a “Citation of Appreciation” for a job well done. Sure, the Italian girl back at your hostel will tell you it’s a ticket, but what the hell does she know?

    

    Demonstrating proper pigeon-feeding form: mouth open, tongue extended.

So, there you go! Ten ways to really up your game and distinguish yourself as an American tourist. Next time you visit Italy, you’ll know exactly how to look and behave.

Remember: Italy will always cast a fond, indulgent eye on your adorable American behaviors, so don’t be afraid to get drunk, loud, and aggressive, especially in defense of your “rights” as an American.

Until then, a dopo tesoro!

Do you have some helpful hacks for traveling abroad? If so, I’d love to hear what they are. Be sure to leave your comments below.