The Secret to Making People Like You
It's not what you think.
First, a hard truth.
We Americans can be a hopelessly self-involved bunch. I’ve had two-hour-long conversations with friends where not once did that friend ask me how I was doing. Other than offering the occasional um hmm and “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” I might as well not been there.
These kinds of monologues are not a one-off. They happen frequently, and as our general anxiety skyrockets, so do these horrid abuses of our own and other people’s time. Agonizing, isn’t it, to stand there with a full bladder while someone you don’t particularly want to offend does not. Stop. Talking. The next time you see them coming, you either run the other way or grab your phone and pretend you’re having a conversation. I have no moral high ground to stand on here, because I’ve done both.
Why do some people talk endlessly about themselves? Many reasons, but one of them is this: we speak when we cease to be at peace with our thoughts. There are a lot of people out there who are never at peace with any of their thoughts; in fact, their thoughts plague them incessantly, and it feels as though if they could just find someone who could fix them, it might bring them some measure of peace.
Yet it’s never that simple. These people are caught in a never-ending spiral of telling their story and telling their story without letting themselves feel the pain of what actually happened—feel it, deal with it, and move on. Most of the time, they have no idea that they’ve been talking for twenty minutes without coming up for air.
So what I’m about to suggest may seem counterintuitive, given what I just related here. But if you want more and better friends, the first thing you need to do is make sure you’re not a monologuer. This is going to require a concerted, focused effort on your part.
Some suggestions:
Time yourself. If you’ve been talking about yourself or about the minutiae of your life, friends, etc., for longer than ninety seconds, stop, take a deep breath, and change the subject to something that is of interest to everybody. This can be a question about the other person’s life, or news events, or mutual obsessions. The key here is that it has to be of GENERAL INTEREST, not just about you.
Do not ask your friends if you talk about yourself constantly. They will lie to you. How do I know this? If they’ve never stopped you before, what makes you think they’re going to be honest with you now?
Really, actually listen. Cultivate curiosity about other people. They can see it in your eyes if you’re actually interested in them. This means not interrupting with an aside about you, or talking about the time that same thing happened, or racing ahead in your mind for the next opportunity to talk about yourself. Engage with the person you are with. Take a genuine interest. Use the 80/20 Method: talk about that person or subjects of mutual interest maybe 80% of the time, and talk about yourself roughly 20% of the time. Impossible, you say? It’s not. Try harder.
Let me also say this: if more men spent less time trying to impress a date with tales of their prowess and more time asking thoughtful questions about her, holy cow, would they chalk up a few notches on the proverbial headboard. But listening is extremely difficult for most American men. To them, listening means passive, as in beta-male, as in cuck, as in diminished status. Being a bloviating loudmouth is better—well, in their eyes, at least. But they couldn’t be more wrong. A man who listens authentically, not manipulatively, who doesn’t constantly monologue, is simply going to attract more women, period. Some of them will just be friends, but not all. Women are always attracted to that sexiest of all male commodities: quiet confidence, which is what a man exudes when he’s not trying to impress people.
So, now you’re asking yourself, aren’t I just setting myself up to be monologued at? Aren’t I backing myself into a corner where I can never get out?
No.
Here’s why.
The secret to attracting more friends and romantic partners is learning how to listen, full stop. This is equally true for men as well as women. It’s sexy when someone listens to you with all their attention. The listener automatically comes across as mysterious and likable.
But listening also gives you an opportunity to suss out the ones you do and don’t want to spend more time with. You can’t do that if you’re always busy talking about yourself. Within the first five to ten minutes of any conversation, it becomes apparent whether you like this person or have anything in common. Are they a monologuer? Shallow? Not very bright? By listening and observing with no agenda other than finding like-minded souls, you leave yourself all the room in the world to either stay or move on. Best case scenario, you end up having—gasp!—an actual conversation where no one hogs the dance floor.
Listening. It’s not quantum physics, and yet listening is in such short supply these days, cultivating it will make you a rockstar.
Do you know any monologuers? What have you done to avoid being buttonholed by one? Leave your comments below.