Olive Garden is Satanic

This is NOT Italian food.

Too many Americans travel to Italy expecting to eat “classic Italian cooking” that, in their minds at least, resembles the food they’ve had in the United States. One of the most pervasive desecrators of Italian cuisine is Olive Garden. In terms of authenticity, Olive Garden is to Italian food what Panda Express is to Chinese cooking—a joke. I can’t even call it cultural appropriation because it’s not appropriating any known culture. And that’s fine if you like “Asiago Tortelloni Alfredo with Grilled Chicken” at almost 2000 calories, but don’t you dare call it Italian.

I’ve never taken an Italian friend to Olive Garden. There’s no one I hate that much. Even a cursory glance at the menu makes me want to hang my head in shame. “Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara?” “Steak Alfredo?” In which genuinely Italian restaurant are these things consumed, especially heaped together on the same plate and drowned in sauce?

Americans always, always, always overcook the pasta and then smother everything in cheese. I can’t think of a single dish here in Italy that’s smothered in cheese. Scamortza ai ferri, maybe, but that’s a dish made of just cheese. No Italian puts an inch-thick layer of a highly dubious substance purporting to be cheese on top of meat, fish, or pasta. And Parmesan doesn’t come in a green plastic shaker. It’s an actual cheese, a hard one, not made by Kraft, that’s grated right at the table.

If you like Olive Garden, that’s fine. But please do yourself a favor and readjust your expectations when you come to Italy. I’ve seen Americans stare crestfallen at their plates when they arrive, before they’ve even tasted them. Believe me when I tell you the food here is better. So much better. Be open to the experience of fresh, locally sourced ingredients, of pasta cooked al dente and only lightly coated, not covered, in sauce. Please don’t ask for cheese until you’ve tasted a dish. And above all, don’t assume that everything over here is some variation on carbonara or alfredo sauces—or that “Italian food” is one thing. It’s many things, all of them regional. Fish dishes, as you might expect, are more prevalent along the coast. Umbria is known for its zesty, gray sausages and cinghialle (wild boar). Lazio (the area around Rome) is known for its castelli romani, Roman castles, which are famous for their wine.

So, why am I being so tiresome about this? Because more than anything else, it is important that Americans not seek to recreate the American experience when they travel. The idea is to immerse yourself in a different culture, not a watered-down version of your own. Don’t go to Starbucks (there’s one in Rome—a sacrilege); go to a local bar. Stay away from “tourist menu” places, identifiable by their sandwich board signs with American writing on them. Live large! Order a dish you’ve never had before.

Above all—and I can’t stress this enough—don’t order a cappuccino with dinner. There are no hot beverages served with food here. Besides our perpetual wearing of sandals and our perfect teeth, nothing gives away our American nationality like the ordering of cappuccini after midday. If you want a coffee, you can do an espresso with a bit of frothed milk on top called a caffe macchiato.

You won’t find Olive Garden breadsticks in Italy. They don’t exist in any region. Nor will you find big fluffy Olive Garden salads at 290 calories per trough. Salads are considered a contorno, or side dish, always eaten with a second course, not as an appetizer. When you come to Italy, it is best to go with the flow. Dinner is eaten late, the waitstaff appreciate tips but they’re not necessary (you have to actually pay people to work in Europe as opposed to “hoping” they make enough in tips. It’s a whole thing.) and it pays to go off the beaten path a little. That means food-wise, too.

So, goodbye Olive Garden, hello Italian goodness.

(Author’s caveat about the sketches—they are meant to be funny, but not necessarily politically correct!)