Humiliating Your Dog With Costumes, Cappuccino Halloween Edition #1
Complete with color photo gallery of embarrassed pooches!
We here at Cappuccino are of the opinion that all smush-faced creetchurs must be humiliated with costumes, especially at Halloween.
Pugs, Frenchies, even a half-smushie like a Boston Terrier or a Boxer can be made yet more ridiculous by the judicious application of imagination, inspiration, and a little elbow grease.
A creetchur mustn’t be allowed to loaf around expecting belly rubs. A creetchur has to earn its keep. What better way to say, “Amuse me, Clown” to your pudgy freeloader than a tight, itchy, degrading costume?
We mustn’t let a genetic nightmare like a pug or a Frenchie suffer any delusions of grandeur. In the family of Canis lupus familiaris, smushies are at the very bottom, one rung above amoebae and three rungs below the common house fly. They provide neither wool nor meat. They can’t hunt or pull a plow. But they do produce copious amounts of environment-destroying methane gas.
You also can’t milk a Frenchie. I’ve tried.
People often ask us here at Cappuccino: how did smushies happen?
The answer is simple. Smushies were once useful, noble canines with fully formed snouts. Then they started running after parked cars. Have you ever tried to squash a Cheeto against a wall? That’s what happened to smushies. The nose cone collapsed on impact, buckling like an accordion. Throw in a few sad little whiskers, and oh, look, a Frenchie.
Even your laziest, least self-respecting smushie might balk at being squeezed into a Halloween costume. If scolding doesn’t work, you must then appeal to its insatiable appetite for Snausages. Negotiate accordingly, maybe one Snausage per clothing item, two for a cringeworthy hat. If there are spider legs, a large fry, or a shark fin involved, then you’re into wet food.
(The funniest thing you’re going to see anywhere^^^don’t watch if you have to pee!)
This isn’t a good doggo like a Golden Retriever or a Labrador that you’re outfitting in a jaunty scarf and a Frisbee. The whole point is to remind your smushie that its sole purpose on earth is to make you laugh. If you don’t elicit at least one forlorn look of reproach, you aren’t trying hard enough.
Ask yourself: what kind of costume would I design for a potato that drools?
To inspire you with daring, creativity—to say nothing of the adorable expressions of mute pleading—Cappuccino offers the following foto gallery of smushies in colorful regalia.
Enjoy!
Are you inspired now? After all that work, Cappuccino expects GREAT THINGS from you, and respectfully asks that this Halloween, tag all Instagram fotos of humiliated pups to @staceyeskelinnovelist. Extra points for: side-eye, tongue, a proudly display poo-hole, smushie-as-food-item, or the name Pedro.
Get cracking!
Do you believe that lazy, worthless smushies ought to be forced to earn their keep? If so, leave your comments below.
Thank you for putting a smile on my face today. It's a damp, grey, dreary day...and I needed that. :-)
By the bye, while I laughed, I've got a serious issue with spiders. So if I'd encountered the "mutant giant spider dog," I'd have probably dropped a log in my nappies.
Scarlett O'Hara would be even funnier if there was a curtain rod through the shoulders -- Carol Burnett's send up of "Gone With The Wind" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFZavCkl9mY
And finally, there is this piece from one of the funniest films of the last couple years ("Mitchells vs. The Robots"): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2GjEvFUsYw
(So dress your Smushie up as a loaf of bread.)