How to Live with Uncertainty
No, it's not your imagination--uncertainty is a special kind of hell.
My son is in law enforcement. I learn a lot from him (in Texas, for instance, cops can arrest you for any traffic infraction except speeding or having an open container of alcohol, like that makes any sense) but one of the things he’s said that really struck me is this: being a cop is 10% responding to calls, 30% paperwork, and 60% waiting for something bad to happen.
For many of us, it seems as though all we do is wait for something bad to happen—an unpayable bill, a health scare, losing our jobs, losing our loved ones. We brace ourselves for the next blow, always in a constant state of pre-readyness for disaster. If it strikes, when it strikes, we gull ourselves into believing we’ll be better prepared to handle the gut punch, but that’s not true. We’re never prepared. Bad news ambushes us the same way, whether we’ve tensed our abs or not.
But the only thing worse than knowing awful news is not knowing anything at all. Living in Italy, far from my family, sharpens that uncertainty as keenly as a blade on a whetstone. Being “blessed” with a writer’s imagination only makes things worse. A text left unresponded to, and I’m automatically hearing the wail of an ambulance siren.
Plus, the life of an expat freelancer has all the uncertainty you could ever need baked in. Right now, for instance, my latest novel is on submission with a dozen publishers (big time waiting game), my boyfriend and I put a bid in on a house (short version: our landlord died, his kids want to sell the place, after an exhausting and exhaustive search, we may have found a new apartment, but we’re waiting and waiting and WAITING to hear from the owner), there’s a good chance that, as a foreigner, I will never be eligible for the vaccine, money money money (in freelance world, there’s never enough of it), my adult children are having a rough time of it these days, so there’s plenty of angsty uncertainty there … in short, I have a charmed life (although not a perfect one) compared to most.
Lots of folks are living with real uncertainty: they’ve had the MRI and now they’re waiting for results. Worse, their child had the MRI and is waiting for results. People are waiting to hear about layoffs, whether their partner wants to leave them, whether they’ve been approved for a mortgage or accepted at a university. We do a ton of waiting in life. And I contend that fear of the unknown, fear of what might happen is a thousand times worse than actually dealing with a straight-up disaster.
So, what can you do? As an lay-expert in the subject, I do the following.
Don’t run from the uncertainty. You actually can’t. Not forever. Acknowledge that the uncertainty is there. But along those same lines, don’t keep playing the story of what’s bothering you in your head. Let go of the story and breathe into whatever emotions are there, even if they make you sad or angry. Sometimes when I’m really spooled up, I try a variation of the Buddhist practice called tonglen. I imagine sitting across from someone who is experiencing all my same anxiety. Every time I inhale, I breathe in her emotions. Every time I exhale, I send her healing and love. Buddhists believe we’re all connected anyway (I share this belief), so the more you do this practice, the greater relief you’ll eventually feel. As New Agey as it sounds, it works.
Stay busy. Distraction only works for a little while though. Eventually, the monster in the closet will burst out and find you. This isn’t a cure for what ails; more like a Band-Aid. But sometimes a Band-Aid is all you need.
Do a Disaster Flow Chart. Write down each one of your fears. If ____ doesn’t happen, then ____ will happen. Look at each fear and ask yourself, “Do I know this for a fact?” 99% of the time, you don’t. Example: If I don’t get a job soon, I’m going to lose my house. Do you know for a fact that you won’t get a job? No. Do you know for a fact that you’re going to lose your house? Also no. I’m not saying your life wouldn’t be better if you had a job. I’m just saying the book hasn’t been written yet, so stop stressing about the future and start focusing on the now.
I know it sometimes feels easier to just let the anxiety roil around inside you than to deal with it head-on. Why not try something different this time?
Give me all your stress-busting techniques in the comments below. I’d love to hear what works for you!
Rule #1: Shit happens. We don't know what, where, when, and/or how...but it WILL happen. And it will be something you didn't see coming.
Rule #2: That shit may not necessarily be bad. Sit with that for awhile, why don'tcha??
Rule #3: The ghost is under the bed. Or in the closet. The ghost is ALWAYS under the bed or in the closet, so you might as well learn to live with it. Befriending it may not make it less malevolent, but it might make it easier to understand its motives.
Rule #4: People get sick. Or die. It's called the circle of life. Yeah, it sucks...but we all get dragged out feet-first eventually.
Rule #5: Enjoy the ride. Don't spend so much time fearing your ultimate demise that you forget to live. Memento mori.
Rule #6: All advice is ultimately bullshit in the moment. Nothing can prepare you for what will be.
Rule #7: Breathe. Live in the moment. It's all you have.
Thank you for reminding that this is how the world works! Sometimes it does feel like waiting for the accident to happen...and having to remember the definition of accident as an unplanned event. The non predictable absence of certainty is a cloud we all stroll under.